Saturday, December 1, 2012

The couch tater's guide to panic

So OK, near as yours truly can tell, the college football season is over until the bowl games start in a few weeks. As stated in my previous rant, other than the NFL, that's leaves quite a void for your average sports maniac couch tater.

One should be prepared for such catastrophic events, so here's what I did....

Top off the gas tank on the generator and fire that sucker up, just to make sure it will work if needed. Check. An extra 5 gallon can of gas, just in case? Got it. Don't forget having plenty of AA batteries in case one of the remotes or wall clocks fail. Those things are worth their weight in gold.

Take a cruise down the road to make sure the places vital to survival are still open. In my neighborhood there's a Mickey D's, Taco Bell, KFC (great cole slaw), A&W, a donut shop, Arby's, and a couple Chinese joints. Check.

Also a Wendy's. They've got great chili too. Even a few pizza places that are a phone call away from having a double cheese meat-eaters gourmet dinner delivered right to one's door. They all seem to be alive and well. Check.

One must never neglect their children. A fresh bag of Purina puppy chow, a couple boxes of milk-bones, and a few rawhides should tide the little 4-legged monsters over quite nicely.

Lots of tuna fish for protein and stuff in boxes that one adds a little water, milk, and butter to for one's carbohydrates. Plus an armload of one pound packages of hamburger and a few bags of Downey's BBQ chips. Throw in a few 12 packs of Coke and a couple cases of brewskis, and things started shoring up around here.

Almost forgot. Thank you CVS, for that buy one/get one sale of Stroh's ice cream. That stuff's delicious. The cashier thought I might have set a record there for a one-time sale, but even if not, let's just say dessert is covered for a while.

"Hungry man" TV dinners are great, but in this economy, one has to save where they can. Those suckers are about $2.50 a pop. Why not load up on the $.99 ones and just nuke two? Makes sense to me.

This is a terrible diet, you say? Not to worry. I take a Flintstones vitamin every day, so that should cover any dietary deficiencies I missed. Some say it's a good idea to take an aspirin a day too. I'm not sure why that is, but I do it anyway. Perhaps it might have something to do with preventing the migraine you'll get if someone comes to visit or calls you during the NFL's Sunday lineup of games. Good grief. They were likely at church just a couple hours before. You'd think they'd  know something about sacrilege and blasphemy. For that matter, even angels fear to tread on Monday Night Football. But keep an extra-strength Tylenol handy just in case.

Nevertheless, there's your couch tater's handy-dandy guide to getting by when a void in sports rears it's satanic head. With what I've got stocked up around here, I'm thinking I could survive a nuclear winter, let alone waiting for the bowl games to start.

But if there's such a void in sports worth watching, then what difference does it make, you say?

Hmm. Good question. Maybe a couple more cases of brewskis are in order. Chug enough of that stuff, and one won't care what the hell's going on or not anyway. Let's call that Plan B, for beer, to be used only as a last resort.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

But no matter what -- never drive after you've consumed a big bag of BBQ chips, a few slices of pizza, a couple drumsticks from the Colonel, a big mac, a burrito supreme, half an order of gai kow, a "triple" from Wendy's, a foot-long from A&W, a few jelly donuts, and a half gallon of ice cream. Getting pulled over by the cops would be the least of your worries.

Sports teams go up and sports teams go down, but what's going to happen in your pants, pantyhose or lap in a few minutes might indeed be reasons to panic.

And I believe that's pretty much where I came in.

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